Second Coming Of Christ Delayed Two Weeks So Jesus Can Quarantine

This week Jesus is scheduled to return to Earth as prophesied in the Bible. Unfortunately, things will be on hold for the moment as Jesus takes the proper COVID-19 safety precautions.

In a statement issued on Monday morning, the angel Gabriel said “In these unprecedented times, we all have to do things a little differently. Out of an abundance of caution, the Son of God will be in quarantine for two weeks before proceeding with the Book of Life and the sheep and the goats and the lake of fire and whatnot.”

Jesus said that he has not had any symptoms but was exposed to a seraph who recently tested positive. “I’m feeling great and I can’t wait to get back out there,” he told reporters on Zoom. “Unfortunately, I have had to cut three disciples from the gang to comply with COVID restrictions. Ten people and under, you know. We all have to make sacrifices! Thomas was never gonna make the cut, anyway.”