Report: Professor’s Bedroom Looks Different On Zoom Than In Person

As online classes start up and students get a chance to see inside their professors’ bedrooms, UI Senior Adam Simmons came to the realization that his neurobiology professor’s bedroom looked startlingly different on Zoom than in person.

“When Professor Mancuso mentioned that we would get to see the inside of her bedroom in the new online format, my immediate thought was “ha – been there, done that,”” Simmons said. “But in our first Zoom conference on Monday, I was really taken aback. I know I’m usually seeing her room from the bed, not from the desk, but I still couldn’t believe I’d missed the mounted bookshelf hanging behind her bed filled with fantasy novels. I would’ve never guessed she was into that particular genre. Also, sitting on one of the shelves are all these middle school trophies from gymnastics tournaments. I didn’t know she did gymnastics when she was younger, though that definitely makes sense if you know what I’m saying. To be totally honest, I’m not surprised I didn’t notice those things in person, though. I’m on bottom, after all.”

Simmons continued to notice new aspects of the room over the course of the lecture. This, unfortunately, dealt a blow to his learning ability, and not the kind of blow he was used to.

“There were several points in lecture where I just realized I had been totally distracted and had no idea what we were talking about. I kept wondering, does she know the whole class can see those BDSM whips from this angle? It kind of makes our thing less special now that everyone knows what she likes in the sack. And hey, did she get new bedsheets? Or is that just the lighting that makes them look more of a periwinkle instead of the usual cobalt? If she did get new bedsheets, why? The old ones were so comfortable. It was like having sex inside a cloud! Wouldn’t she have told me? Is she going to cut me off? I was only just starting to learn more about her on a personal level.”

At press time, Simmons reported that Professor Mancuso’s husband walked by in the background, prompting him to check that his microphone was muted before muttering aloud, “great, not this guy again.”