Report: Kinnick Stadium More Valuable Than Black People

“This Sucks. Dickheads.” — Scott Dochterman on Iowa City protesters tagging the Nile Kinnick statue with the slogans of their movement: 6/6/2020

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After crunching the numbers and doing a little soul searching, local Hawkeye football reporter Scott Dochterman has concluded officially that Kinnick Stadium is more valuable than black people.

“While the home of our Hawks weighs in at about 7.4 million US dollars, black people’s lives, communities, and political ambitions combined—well—let’s just say they’d have to bring us home a few Orange Bowls to even get close to those kinds of numbers,” said Dochterman. “My calculations were very clear on this—a completely inanimate sporting venue with no semblance of human life means more to me, means more to most here in Iowa City, than black people ever have or ever will. When it comes down to having to choose between a modern, pristine college football stadium free of graffiti, and a fellow human being of color gaining the most they can from American life without getting shot or strangled to death by law enforcement, the answer is obvious. Sure, we all may bleed red despite the color of our skin, but black people sure as hell don’t bleed green like our boy ole’ Kinnick does.”

At press time, Dochterman was seen hastily making a sign that read “black and gold lives matter and literally nothing else does.”