Report Finds Hot People Becoming Endangered Due to Campus Study Abroad Initiatives

Recent research finds that roughly 57% of the species “Cool Hot Person” that exists within the general population at the University of Iowa have taken their studies abroad this spring semester. With many interesting, rich, and downright sexy students no longer in ample supply, classroom attendance and participation have hit record lows. 

Students in Iowa City say they no longer feel incentivized to attend the education they pay for when there’s little-to-no eye candy around. Concurrently, three-syllable words that you only say when you’re trying to impress your class crush (i.e. juxtaposition) are becoming nearly obsolete according to everyone who has ever had a class in Phillips Hall. 

A representative from Iowa City’s local millennial two-story Target claims that self-tan sales have hit an all-time low and weighs in on how the lack of new-age Ashton Kutcher looking men contribute to this harrowing economic phenomenon- “You know- usually the young women here feel compelled to slather their skin in the vomit smelling dye as a sort of exotic mating ritual called “Bondi Sands”, but time zone differences causing snapchat streaks with their first-semester situationship to end has seemingly really killed the girls’ spirit. It’s like, what’s next? They’re going to stop shaving their armpits too?” exclaimed Carli, the store’s underpaid junior shift lead while restocking the adult-sized body pillows and Purina cat food aisle. 

This story is developing, and the Doily Allergen will continue to keep you updated on the status of the dwindling population.