Reddit Users Conspire to Inflate Cactus 3 Stock

Nearly eight months ago Cactus 2 shuttered its doors and the chain of Iowa City Mexican restaurants was all but left for dead. Now, on the heels of their success inflating the worth of near-derelict companies like GameStop and Blackberry, r/WallStreetBets has set its sights on Cactus #3 in the belief that its stocks can still hold water.

The subreddit community has faced harsh criticism for their manipulation of the stock market in recent weeks, with many sell-side analysts comparing r/WallStreetBets to insider traders. Unlike many of Wall Street’s old guard, this new group of investors is said to have unfair access to newer skills and information, such as knowing what a Reddit is and not having to hire a secretary to remember the internet password.

Steve Cohen—manager of Point 72— has been allegedly sighted on r/WallStreetBets under the unsername “DefinitelyNotSteveCohen,” and is already planning on investing 15.9 billion of the hedge fund’s $16 billion net worth into Cactus 3.

“We can’t be left behind again,” Cohen told Allergen reporters, “after that whole GameStop stunt, my colleagues have been left to starve from lack of Wagyu beef and foie gras. I’m not gonna let that happen to me.”

Reddit’s decision to inflate Cactus 3’s stock follows a pattern of backing “nostalgia stocks”, with many citing fond memories of 16 oz. Margaritas, $2 enchiladas, and vomiting on the corner of Clinton and Burlington.

Wall Street analyst Terry Plum said that r/WallStreetBets’ methods are surely based on thorough study of the stock market:

“These choices are not random, these people have been watching for devaluation, paying attention to who the hedge funds are targeting for their short sales, and swooping in to push up the market values. It’s a patient, bold method. I’d call it an act of subtle genius.”

The Allergen followed up with a local Reddit investor who happens to be one of the major champions for the purchase of Cactus 3 stock. When asked why he chose the local restaurant, he said “I dunno, it’s a good place. I was blazed there once and had the BEST carne assada.”