Quidditch Team Now Doing Zoom Workouts

*Disclaimer: All the information in this article is entirely true.

Last week, the University of Iowa quidditch team had their first workout on Zoom. Six members put on workout clothes, picked the cleanest part of their floor, and joined a Zoom call for a home workout from 11 am until noon.

“All we did was work out, really, there’s not much to tell,” says Vice President Hannah Wagner. She attempted to lead a rigorous workout, but was derailed by the other participants’ strong dislike of physical activity. “It’s not like I asked for much, it’s just a workout, it doesn’t have to be a big deal.”

“Push ups are hard,” complained Erica Dodge, a grad student and keeper on the team. Dodge spent most of the workout faking the exercises and watching sports fails on YouTube.

President Payton Gallery apparently expected something different. “I’m the President of the club, but this whole workout thing was Hannah’s idea. I thought calling it a ‘workout’ was a joke, and that we’d be doing trivia or something. Actually working out is too exhausting. I’m gonna change it. I’m the President, so I can do that, you know.”

The highlight of the workout was an exercise Wagner called ‘target practice’. The intent was to practice throwing balls at a target, but nobody had the necessary equipment, so they all just ended up throwing anything they could find. Grace Gerdts, a new member of the team, accidentally destroyed her laptop with an engineering textbook. We contacted her for comment, but she refused, saying, “I’m quitting. Please never talk to me again.”

Gallery was generally satisfied with the event.

“It was great bonding time for all six of us,” says Gallery. “Well, five. Grace is suing us. But, as the President, I take these things very seriously. I won’t let this affect the club’s financial standing. We do this scam fundraiser every year that gets us a bunch of money so if we lose the lawsuit we can pay whatever the settlement is.”

In hopes to increase attendance, Gallery changed the workout time to an arts and crafts event at 9 pm on Fridays.