‘Pumpkin Spice Incident’ at Library Café Destroys Thousands of Precious Books

BREAKING: A hardware malfunction at the University of Iowa Main Library has led to the explosion of the “White-Girl-Inator,” the machine that automatically brews Pumpkin Spice Lattes, flooding the first floor of the library with boiling pumpkin spice latte.

Dozens of students and university employees have been injured, at least one killed, and thousands of books have reportedly been drowned in pumpkin spice-flavored coffee. The Main Library has been temporarily closed as campus maintenance works on a solution, but the White-Girl-Inator won’t stop spewing pumpkin spice lattes everywhere, making it impossible to swim to the machine through the sea of coffee.

A source has told us that the US Coast Guard may be called in if matters become too extreme. More on this story as it develops.