Professors Announce Spring 2022 Finals To Take Place December 2021

Yesterday President Wilson sent out an email announcing that finals for the Spring 2022 semester are to take place right after finals for the December 2021 semester end. This is the first time this has happened in University history, and many hope it will be a one-time occurrence.

Student Jeremy Forester was extremely frustrated by this announcement.

“I decided to fuck around and enroll myself in a level 4000 geology course all about basins, rock formations, and glaciers. I’m not even a geology major; I study communications! Now, I’m required to take an hour-long final full of questions that I won’t know shit about, because I haven’t even taken the course yet, and I didn’t really intend to. I can feel a stress ulcer forming in my stomach right now just from talking about this.”

University administrators made the decision to move finals week after faculty pushed to change the date of Spring finals. They felt as if students should have enough time to absorb the material on ICON after they release their curriculum in late November, therefore there should be no issue with preparedness. Professor of horticulture, Herb Arbol, commented on the change of exam dates.

“If my students were really dedicated to their major and to receiving a quality education, they would take this in stride and absolutely study their hearts out,” Arbol said. “Who cares if they have fall semester finals the week before? I’m stressed all the time with research, harvesting and selling my legal cannabis plants, and teaching those motherfuckers. If I can handle all that, they can handle two consecutive finals weeks.”

We asked students how they are planning to study for finals weeks. Anticipated study methods have ranged from manifesting and casting spells, to buying a ten computer set-up so they can digest all of the material in time for their exams.

Freshman Casey Tarell’s plan is to cryogenically freeze herself for a month so that she won’t have to study at all. Her method of not studying for finals has gained traction with students; so far fifteen others have pledged to join her. We are skeptical about the efficacy of this plan.

Additionally, since the announcement, coffee shops around Iowa City have started hiring additional baristas in preparation for an increase in business. Along with this, the university has planned to reconstruct the toilets in the IMU to increase their flushing capacity, in response to an anticipated increase in coffee consumption.