Paranormal Investigator Surprised to Learn English-Philosophy Building Isn’t Haunted

Everything always seems more haunted in autumn, doesn’t it? With Halloween on the horizon, a chill in the breeze, and an early nighttime sure to force any lonely drunk girl indoors, there’s something inherently spooky about this time of year.

It’s no wonder, then, why the paranormal investigation industry receives its most business during September, October, and the first week of November––before people turn their aggravation to Michael Bublé and Mariah Carey. A recent study finds that, during autumn months, 44% of everyday issues are blamed on ghosts and other paranormal creatures, with 55% of the blame going to Joe Biden and 1% going to The Little Mermaid remake. In frightening times such as these, who would be the best fit to call? Ghost Bu- wait, shit, I messed up the line.

A University of Iowa staff member made a call the first week of September about a reported ghost incident at this esteemed campus’s most infamous establishment, the English-Philosophy Building. The record of the incident stated that a freshman had been waiting for a class to start in the basement’s janitor closet––often confused to be another classroom in the building––when she suddenly felt herself become possessed by the spirit of Herbert Hoover. After wandering the building for nearly two hours, muttering to herself non-sequiturs related to the Great Depression, corn, and vacuum cleaners, the student passed out and was placed on a bus to the hospital.

In preparation for his investigation, the job’s primary ghost hunter looked into other reported haunting throughout the last century, finding there to be over fifty ghost sightings in the last twenty years alone. With cases of moving objects, flickering lights, rumbles heard in the hallways, and the mysterious disappearances of numerous souls, it was clear that senior ghost hunter, Jax Saggins, had his work cut out for him with the EPB.

A wide assortment of paranormal detection equipment would be required for a job such as this. Basic equipment like Ouija boards and night-vision goggles were given, but for the EPB they also had to pull out the big guns: the Paranormal Ultraviolet Spook Sensor and the Boo-Oriented Omnivorous Box, also known as the **** and the ****.

Upon arrival, Saggins remarked to his crew that the building had a “deeply cursed aura,” prompting nods of agreement from his coworkers. There was something definitely wrong with the building that no one could put a finger on, though the crumbling infrastructure, dim lighting, and viciously faulty pipes were a bit of a tip-off. Carefully, Saggins and his crew entered the EPB’s basement, keeping a close eye out for any suspicious activity. While they definitely found some creepy behavior, none of the ghost-hunting team’s incredibly reliable equipment managed to pick up any telling information. Even by ghost hunting standards, this job was abysmal.

“I just don’t understand!” Saggins later whined. “This place seemed like it would be Ghost City! Did you see the people in there? They looked like they already had one foot in the grave! I literally saw someone’s eyes roll back in their head and start speaking in tongues, this is madness. Next you’ll tell me that no one’s actually died in the Dey House.”

Jax Saggins later quit the ghost hunting business in disgrace. The English-Philosophy Building collapsed in on itself shortly after.