Opinion: Just Learn How to Fucking Parallel Park

According to a map from the University of Iowa’s Department of Parking and Transportation, there are 36 designated mobile payment and metered locations around campus. These exclude parking ramps or permit lots like Hancher, UIHC, and the structures around Capitol and Dubuque Street. However, these do include the absolute busiest and shittiest streets in downtown. Iowa City is notorious for not having any public transit systems, sidewalks, or bicycle infrastructure, so you just gotta bring a brand new Subaru onto the premises! But buckle up, buddy—a majority of the space is formatted for short-term parallel parking.

Meters at the core only last about an hour to promote turnover rate for shoppers and passerby, so it’s important that you don’t spend 75% of said hour sobbing and re-correcting your parking job, over and over and over again. Seriously, it’s embarrassing. Everyone in front of the Target is laughing at you and surrounding drivers fucking hate you. We’re making bets on whether you’ll succeed, do a terrible job and block traffic, or just leave in defeat.

So that’s that: this parking layout requires drivers like you to put on some big boy pants and learn what it takes to swivel your vehicle’s booty within the white lines. And yes, we know—some spots can be busy and tight, but in no universe could it ever be busier and tighter than your mom (oh, baby!).

Luckily, we’re here to help you, so don’t fret! Us Doily folk are not only experts on writing and being the failures of our families, but we’re certified parallel parkers. We’ve arranged a detailed step-by-step visual so you can quickly learn how to park on the side of any Iowa City storefront or suburb. It’s our hope that you can safely apply this skill elsewhere—like literally any busy residential or city street. Any. I don’t know any place that doesn’t have an abundance of on-street parking, and we’re out here trying to gut it from the driver’s test? Well, just in case someone gets the jump on you and asks for you to parallel park, here’s what you do!

Step 1: Literally this. No, man—look at it. Really look at it.

You don’t have to put on your hazards and leave your car in the middle of the road. Your friend doesn’t have to get out of the car and make a scene trying to wave you into a spot. If it helps, line the side mirrors together instead of what this graphic shows. Learn how to adjust little by little instead of restarting the whole goddamn process. Do you want to make your parents proud? Huh? Do you want me to throw stones at your car? Hm? Are you a big boy or a little, little man? Yeah? Is that so?

Then park it. Just fucking park your car.