Opinion: Is Your TA Hot, Or Did He Just Tell You That You Have Good Sentence Structure?

Listen, I get it. Online classes were a bust for meeting new people on campus, and Tinder has been about as dead as Bruce Harreld’s career opportunities. It gets lonely in that quiet apartment of yours. A little too quiet. You’d give just about anything to fill that silence with the desperate drone of a Netflix and Chill sesh. But considering we’re your go-to source for romantic advice, we need you to confront this age-old question: Is your TA hot, or did he just tell you that you have good sentence structure?

We were curious about this ourselves, so we did what any serious journalist would do— we stalked your TA for the last week to see if he’s actually hot.

Our first step was to check out his feedback on your first essay of the semester to see whether or not he was flirting with you, and we swear on the integrity of this website, we have never seen a comment with so much sexual tension.

“Great work on this one,” his comment reads. “Your sentence structure flows well, and I like the point you make about the political framework of Hamlet. Keep it up.”

So it’s obvious that he wants to smash you, but do you want to smash him? We spent about four minutes looking him up on social media, but when we realized that such a master of words and sex wouldn’t bother with Instagram, we decided to stake him out in his office at the EPB. What we discovered was inconclusive at best.

He was wearing a mask, so that’s definitely a plus, and that dreamy hair of his would make anyone swoon. That being said… he was wearing khakis. Do you really want to bang a guy who wears khakis in public? It’s one thing to wear them in the privacy of your own home, but the audacity to force other people to witness such an atrocity should definitely make you rethink how hot he is.

We didn’t stop there. We couldn’t rest until we found out what he truly looks like under that sexy surgical mask of his, so we followed him home. He lives in this boring building on the west side of campus. Ew. But he did drive a Camry with tons of space in the back seat, if you know what we mean.

We followed him through the parking lot, into the building, and up to the third floor, at which point he began to unlock his apartment door and take off his mask. We were so eager to finally solve the hot-or-not mystery, but as soon as he caught sight of our top investigative journalist, he pulled it back up and uncomfortably retreated into the safety of his sick bachelor pad.

We couldn’t leave this story unsolved, so the next time he held office hours, we stopped in, hoping to get a pleasant comment for our article and a well-lit selfie to determine whether or not he’s fuckable.

“Wait, are you that motherfucker that followed me into my apartment building on Friday?” He stood up and escorted our journalist out of the office. “Get the fuck away before I call the cops, you freak.”

While we may not have figured out whether or not your TA is hot, we can definitely tell he’s got a rough, dominant side. Tune in for future updates to this article in which we’ll decode his sensual email about due dates and his half-completed LinkedIn profile.