Opinion: Iowa City Is Suffering A Severe Emo Boy Shortage

Where u @????

As an inhabitant of Iowa City who is doomed to be attracted to men, my underwear has been bone dry since living in this cursed place. There is simply no man out there who can satisfy my true lust. What may that be, you ask? Emo boys.

WHY ARE THERE SO FEW EMO BOYS IN IOWA CITY? TELL ME. WE ARE IN THE MIDWEST IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE DEN OF EMO BOYS. DOES MIDWEST EMO MUSIC REALLY EVEN EXIST?

I need them so bad. Like, yes, I’ll happily sit in your basement while you play your guitar and sing a song you wrote about me. I would love to help distress your black skinny jeans. Yes, you can borrow my eyeliner. I’m so glad you asked me to come to a punk show with you this weekend.

PLEASE. PLEASEEEEEEEEE.

There’s just something about a man who looks like a zombie wearing eyeliner that I can’t stop dreaming about. Like, seriously, it’s all I dream about.

Okay, storytime: I recently matched with a guy on tinder who was like… lawd have merthy. Covered in tattoos and piercings, plays guitar in a metal band, rides a motorcycle, 6’2”, the whole nine yards. ON TOP OF THAT, he could hold a conversation and was very flattering. Does it get any better than this??? Could it be true?? What’s the catch???? THE CATCH IS THAT HE LIVES 400 MILES AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do men realize that all it takes to get some poontang is to look a little fruity? Like, it’s that simple. So, for any of our male readers out there who match the aforementioned description (what few of you there are, over 60% of our readers are women), PLEASE expeditiously hit our DMs. And I’m being so serious right now. I will actually start checking Doily’s DMs if it means it’ll have emo boys in it. /srs

Anyways, this article was brought to you by Johnnie Guilbert & Jake Webber, YouTube boyfriend sleep ASMRs, Ayesha Erotica, and male objectification.

My epitaph:

“He might not look like he gets bitches

But honey, that dick was 11 inches”

Hey, emo boy

Hey, hey, hey, emo boy

Come on, fuck me, emo boy

Come on, fuck me, emo boy.”