Opinion: Halloween Should Be on Tuesday Every Year

Halloween is upon us, and that means the culmination of the entire spooky season — a time for parties, trick-or-treating, and going out in costume for a grand ol’ time! However, it seems that most of that spooky season spirit was used up over the past weekend, with students now hunkering down to study for midterms and write boring essays. In fact, I’ve even heard a lot of talk about how much it apparently sucks that Halloween is on a Tuesday this year, that Tuesday is “possibly the worst day of the week,” and that people wish this holiday would fall on the weekend instead.

Well, I’m here to play devil’s advocate (pretty spooky term, right?) because, to be honest, I just don’t get the hate. What’s wrong with Tuesday? It’s just as fine a day as any. In fact, I’d even argue it’s the best day, and that Halloween should officially be moved from the 31st to the last Tuesday of October every year.

Here’s why:

My first reason is Taco Tuesday. An ancient tradition, Taco Tuesday is a wondrous time in which, each week, people all over the country come together to appreciate the fine cuisine of our neighbors down south. And if every Halloween falls on Taco Tuesday, then we get to appreciate something even better: candy tacos! Think about it: a tortilla filled to the brim with refried beans, Twix, Twizzlers, Spanish rice, gummy bears, Snickers, and candy corn, all smothered in delicious green chile. A rich and savory treat like that would be a holiday meal difficult to beat. I’m literally salivating right now thinking about it, and so are you.

Reason number two would have to be that none of the other days of the week are good candidates. Think about it: Monday’s the first day of the week, which has to keep it busy. Wednesday is Hump Day, which is so distracting to think about every week that it would completely take everyone’s minds off Halloween. Thursday is Thor’s day, and do we really want to risk the wrath of the heavens on such an already terrifying night? Then Friday, Saturday, and Sunday are just kind of shit, considering the lack of work and school obligations starting Friday evening. So boring! Throw out the whole stupid, boring weekend and don’t let it infect the goodness of Halloween.

My third and final main reason is that, to be honest, I think everyone who doesn’t want Halloween to be on Tuesday every year is a bunch of sissies. That’s right, I said it. I said what we were all secretly thinking. Case closed, Your Honor.

I could of course spend another 100,000 words defending my position and going into all the logical ins and outs of my many and varied arguments to prove, factually and definitively, that Tuesday is the best and only appropriate day for Halloween. But I don’t need to, because anyone who argues with me is a coward and a loser. If you want to debate me, email the freaks at thedoilyallergen@gmail.com and let them forward your complaints to me, so that I can print them out, shred them, and set them on fire. Like a boss!