Opinion: Barbara Wilson Does Not Get Paid Enough.

Tuition needs to be TRIPLED with a 50% mandatory tip.

Recently, I heard the news that the Iowa board of regents is going to be raising tuition in accordance to increased costs attributed to inflation. However, they also pulled an ingenious move in giving our precious Barbara Wilson a deserved $60,000 raise. Though I wanted a little more, I would say this amount should be suitable for helping our beloved president over that pesky poverty line and maybe allow her to move out of her holistic cardboard box in the Gabe's dumpster. 

I took my endorsement of this morally ethical decision to my favorite college oriented social media website—YikYak. To say I was disappointed with my peers would be a ghastly understatement. The beration, the spite; the anger. Is this what values we teach our youths in America? Let alone America’s loving heartland? To hate the poor, starving university presidents that enrich our lives and give us meaning? To hate the tired and hungry? I thought this was a city of progress, of fraternity, and fellowship. The way my fellow students treat my glorious goddess like a worm underneath their socialistic boots saddens my soul.

This is why I propose we give our wonderful queen the multi-million dollar salary she DESERVES. No longer must she raid the fridges of Mayflower freshmen and steal dirty toilet paper rolls from the curiously stained bathroom floors of Catlett. We, as students, need to take accountability and give our glorious president a realistic living wage.

Firstly, get rid of in-state tuition. Who even lives in this shithole we call Iowa anyway? Out of state tuition (for all) needs to be increased by consequence, so a good median would be about $80,000 per semester. Now there are more excess funds to move Barbara’s cardboard box to a more classy neighborhood—such as the dumpster near Summit.

Along with a general tuition increase, there also needs to be a 50% mandatory tip screen for every Ubill payment—all proceeds going directly in the pockets of our beloved Barbara! In my first drafts of this article, I was initially set on a 100% mandatory tip, but I decided to compromise. Students deserve a little money to spend on our new line of commissioned Barbara merch. Any attempts to put in a custom tip under the 50% threshold will be met with legal action and/or Twitter smear campaigns.

To further amend this glorious institution’s budget, we will get rid of unearned academic scholarships. REAL scholarships should go to our sports teams, where they actually matter. You filthy, entitled full ride students don’t make my Barbara’s pockets fatter, and so you are essentially dead to me.

I hope this will quell our quarrel with Barbara. It is a miracle that she has been so peaceful, gracious, and understanding despite her wretched and abysmal living conditions. She is truly the Gandhi of our time.