Opinion: Band Kids Are Too Damn Horny

Remember that couple from high school that were always a little too close for comfort? Don’t you think it’s ironic that the couple that popped into each of our heads also happen to be band kids? Ironic, isn’t it?

Visiting professor and famous sexologist, Dr. Luketheretix Warsaw, has recently published an award-nominated essay on the connection between premarital sex and playing a musical instrument.

“Spending so much time blowing into a metal rod may lead to increased levels of infatuation,” Dr. Warsaw’s research suggests. “And, being that band kids spend their entire lives marching around a practice field, they have plenty of time to explore each others’ bodies any chance they are given.”

It’s not just high school kids, either. College band kids are far worse. Believe it or not, college band kids be fuckin’. They are no longer confined to only spending time together at band competitions and whenever their moms are willing to drive them to the “sleepover.”

Ever been to a party at a band kid’s house? No? Good. It’s not the place you want to be.

“After much consultation among other colleagues in the field,” Dr. Warsaw said, “we have concluded that there is no difference between a kinky, German, hardcore orgy and a party at a band kid’s house.”

But don’t worry, band kids are inclusive. The horniness is not only among heterosexual couples. Dr. Warsaw’s statistics demonstrate that gay men are the worst offenders among band kids.

“Your gay friend in band will spend hours telling you about their recent Grindr hookup,” Dr. Warsaw said. “And them homos get down, I’ll tell you.”

So, next time you are around a band kid, be careful. You might end up with a foreign object up your rectum.