O-DEI-ssey

“Muse, tell me about a complicated man” begins one of the newest translations of Homer’s Odyssey—a version that, according to the internet, is undeniably and unfathomably woke.

And now that the Odyssey is relevant again because the Oppenheimer guy is doing a movie on it, it’s our job to ensure no one is getting any diverse or inclusive ideas from it (god forbid!) so we asked professionals for their opinion.

Esteemed armchair historian Harlotte Chagen (we have been asked to explain the similarity to ‘harlot’ is merely coincidence’) spoke with us on this matter. “I read quite a lot of Socrates… don’t even get me started on Marcus Aurelius,” were the credentials provided to us, and we figured that was good enough.

“You see, a lot of people defend Wilson for writing it in meter and all that,” she explained, referencing the iambic pentameter used throughout the translation, “but it’s just so reductive.”

We were shown a picture of multiple Odyssey translations laid side by side, Wilson’s translation being the last and shortest of the bunch. “Look how much she’s missing!” Chagen shook her head solemnly. “Simplifying words like this. It’s literally 1984.”

We shook our heads solemnly, too. Our vision kind of blurred a bit when we read the earlier stuff, but because it had more commas, it had to mean it was better! Longer sentences mean greater intelligence, as everyone knows, and as long as you continue writing and writing, and use enough big words, an audience will receive your works with enthralled and positively rejuvenated attention! Your intelligence will seem infinitesimal (just look how big that word is).

Anyway. We asked Chagen how she felt about the introduction’s discussion of gender, in particular Telemachus’s struggle with self-defining his masculinity.

“Oh, I wouldn’t know, I’ve just seen the beginning bit,” she replied, “but that tells me everything I need to know. It’s definitely not just because she’s a woman.”

Chagen expressed general distaste for the length of the book. Alas, Emily Wilson, it appears you have used too few words while simultaneously making this piece of epic poetry too long! At least we can trust that Christopher Nolan will make its plot sufficiently succinct. And not just because he’s a man.