New Report Reveals Mediacom Chews Through Cables

A new report by The Doily Allergen has revealed that most of the time, when you call Mediacom, the people supposedly assisting you have just been chewing on the cables that provide your internet connection.

“I’ve been answering the phones here for about eight months,” said Tonya Newberry, a customer service representative for the company. “The job has its challenges, for sure. It’s hard to talk to customers while hiding that my mouth is full of important wires that provide service to homes all across the country. But it’s in the employee handbook, so I do it. Plus it’s a good source of fiber.”

Despite our reporter’s extensive questioning, the employees seemed at a loss for why they were gnawing on their customers’ cables.

“I don’t know,” said Brian Salt, a technician who has been with Mediacom for six years. “Every house I go to, I gnaw right through any cord, wire, or cable I see. It’s just the way the guy who trained me said to do it. He quit right after that and I was too scared to find out if it was what we were really supposed to do. Now…well. It’s kind of sadistic, but the thought of all those internet-less houses does make the cables taste delicious.”

At the time of publication, there has been no official statement from Mediacom’s corporate representatives. However, our reporter did receive a note made of cut-up magazine letters, reading WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT, SWITCH PROVIDERS? LOL.