New Ligma Variant: 15,000 Dead in Suganda, Reports Candice Bofa

In a shocking press release from the Sugandese government this week, a new variant of the Covid-19 virus was discovered earlier this week in the city of Saucon, reports The Doily Allergen’s Candice Bofa.

Reports from the CDC’s chief epidemiologist, Dr. Will U. Jergma, have shown that nearly 27,000 Americans have been hospitalized over the past week with what is now being called the “Ligma” variant. Additionally, there are now more and more reports of a correlation between the Ligma variant and the formation of large, spherical cysts among those infected. Although no causal link has been established, many have taken to social media to report what’s being called “Ligma Balls.”

“The first day I got these Ligma Balls, I didn’t really know what they were,” said Twitter user Mike Hawk. “It was only after going on Twitter and seeing everyone else talking about Ligma Balls that I knew that this was something serious.”

To find out more about this strange affliction, Doily Allergen reporter Candice Bofa conducted an interview with WHO spokesman Ken-Yu Sugma, who said: “This is the most concerning variant of Covid found in recent months. This new variant has a much higher mortality rate than the Delta variant, with a rate of transmission just as high if not higher. And reports of these spherical cysts, or ‘Ligma Balls’ to use the technical term, only serve to make this variant even more contagious, and likely more lethal.”

Immediately following those interviews, Candice Bofa and Ken-Yu Sugma both tested positive for the Ligma variant. Ken-Yu and Candice were both rushed to Johns Hopkins, where doctors and nurses, overwhelmed with all the new Ligma cases, frantically told Doily Allergen staff: “Bofa, Yu, Ligma Balls.” We wish them both a speedy recovery.