My Therapist Told Me to Be Less Funny, So I Joined The Doily Allergen

Hey, everyone. My name’s Carl, aka Rizz-Man to my friends, which I have, and I’m a new writer here at The Dilly Elephant. Sorry, what is it? The Doily Allergen, that’s right. Normally I would say how excited I am to join these prestigious ranks, but instead I need to let you in on a little secret:

No one here is funny.

That’s right. You know this top-tier, world-famous humor publication that you’re reading right now? Yeah, that. Nothing in it is funny, and neither are its writers. Me included. I suck at this. You know how I know?

Because my therapist recommended I join them in order to become less funny.

You read that right. My whole life, I’ve been a humor guy. A funny man. The class clown. Just a wacky guy known for his killer wordplay and perfect comedic sensibilities. I, for one, thought of this as a positive quality, something that made me more interesting and likable. Apparently not. You see, I’ve been having some trouble making friends lately, and I went to therapy to understand why and whether or not I would be forever alone.

When my therapist, Dr. Silvia Formaldehyde, asked me for examples of the kind of jokes I thought made me so charming, I happily obliged. I thought she would be just as confused as I was and say we needed to look at other potential causes and solutions.

Instead, she told me, “Carl—I mean Rizz-Man,” (I told her to call me that, since we’re friends) “I think you might be slightly overestimating how much people, uh, want to hear your jokes. I mean, I’m not saying you’re not funny, but, like, uh, a lot of people might not appreciate just how funny you, uh, understand yourself to be. In fact, some people might even get offended at how… funny… you are.”

Suddenly it all made sense. Of course people don’t like it when I joke about [REDACTED] or [REDACTED], or even [REDACTED]! They’re just not ready for my sense of humor! Nobody understands how funny I really am yet! So in order to become more “likable,” I had to take serious action to lower my capacity for humor.

Dr. Formaldehyde then recommended that I apply to The Doily Allergen, since, and I quote, “Their iconic style of humor is extremely popular around the world, meaning they have wider audience appeal than… you. Maybe you could try joining to learn how they make jokes. More people would probably like you than they do now.”

So there you have it. I’ve got the inside scoop. All of you suckers who enjoy reading The Disney Applebee’s? Yeah, all of your senses of humor are shit. But I guess, for the sake of “making friends” and, in Dr. Formaldehyde’s words, “not, uh, rizzing up the yikesmobile, as you put it, as much as you seem to do,” I’ll have to make peace with it.

Oh, the world’s injustice. Now get ready for a whole year of this guy, because you’re gonna love what I have in store! (You’d better.)