Mini Bibles Handed Out on the Pentacrest Revealed to be Drug Deals in Disguise

We’ve all been there, trudging across the Pentacrest on Monday morning, going to that dreaded 8 a.m. class for the second time the entire semester, hungover as fuck from the awesome weekend of debauchery from the night before, when an old man tries to shove a book into your face. 

Now, as very smart and reasonable people, we here at the DA have learned about the old men handing out Bibles before and have learned to ignore them. Basically, we keep our heads down and don’t make eye contact with them.

Freshman Josh Becker, on the other hand, didn’t know about the scam and when an old man tried to hand him a book, he asked what it was all about. “I didn’t expect to get talked at for an hour,” Becker said. “I was so scared of missing my economics class that I just took the book so he would leave me alone.”

When Becker, falling asleep in his economics class and having already finished the Wordle, the Mini, the Connections, and the Strands, opened the thing to flip through it out of sheer and utter boredom, a little plastic bag fell out of a hollowed-out center. 

We here at the Doily Allergen took it upon ourselves to investigate this for you, dear reader. If we had known there were drugs involved, we would have gotten into religion a long time ago.

We sauntered up to one of the old guys the next day with our notepads ready. “Are the rumors that you are handing out drugs true, and, on an unrelated note, do you have any of those bibles left?”

“My child, the lord is here to save you. Would you like to hear some scripture? Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways–”

Upon hearing that, we started screaming and ran away from him, hissing and spitting. We didn’t know someone could say something so vile to another person! Seriously, who does that?

Later that night we cursed ourselves. We fell for the old man’s trick. We were supposed to say YES and sit through his torture if we wanted his drugs. Rest assured, weird old man on the pentacrest, we’ll get you next time!