Market Place Employees Required to Sing for Students’ Birthdays

Job Fair Hopefuls Be Wary

A clause buried deep in University Housing and Dining employment contracts has recently been uncovered, stipulating that all market place employees must sing for the birthdays of each diner. Student employees across campus have no choice but to comply, helplessly bound to the paper they signed in an IMU office. 

Not even the most diligent pre-law students were able to catch this in the fine print. The requirement was written in lemon juice—the invisible ink of old—in a move not only legal, but so far above the law that American politicians and corporations everywhere are looking to include this innovation in future projects.

“I knew my degree in chicanery and deceit would pay off,” states recent graduate and University Housing and Dining Senior Director, Harley Stetson. “It was only a matter of time before enough kids on the previous contract quit and I could put my plan into action.”

When questioned on their reasoning, Stetson had a simple response: “No one would wish me ‘happy birthday’ when I was a student here, and now I’m ensuring that no one ever feels left out again. Plus, kids these days have it too easy. You need to work for that $11 an hour wage.”

And work they do. In addition to standard tasks of food preparation and table cleaning, market place associates must be ready to burst into song and celebration at any moment, halting their current task.

 “It’s ridiculous! I’ve turned so many onion strings into charcoal,” business major and student employee, Will Stutely, complains. “If I wanted to be part of a merry band, I would have stuck with my old job.”

The front desk attendant is required to quickly scour the personal information of diners in a move colloquially known as “nineteen eighty-fouring.” If a birthday is identified, a timer is set, giving the student time to choose a seat and the managers time to notify their staff of (or opt to surprise them with) the news of the special day.

When the student sits down and digs in, finally getting reprieve from a hectic schedule, the terror is set to begin. A cacophony of clapping builds from all directions. Inevitably, all mealtime chatter is silenced as a horde of students donning black attire and nametags swarm their unwitting victim.

The clapping only grows, almost piercing in its intensity, as the mob begins to vocalize. Voices coalesce into one tone-deaf drone: a song more chant than melody. “Happy happy birthday! From UHD to you!” The original “Happy Birthday” song may be in the public domain now, but they don’t care. The singers appear to be in some sort of trance. The rest of the words become muddled, but the feverish aggression masquerading itself as enthusiasm remains.

The only member of the hive not clapping presents the offering: a stale vegan mocha brownie topped with the most texturally perplexing soft-serve, an electric candle (as legitimate candles are contraband), and enough spoons for everyone at the table. The tableau only ceases when everyone in the vicinity is thoroughly embarrassed.   

“It’s the only way we can get rid of the brownies,” confesses an anonymous chef. “I hate to say it, but despite how weird this whole thing is, it might be a net positive.”

While this take may be controversial, what isn’t controversial is the fact that this new tradition is transforming the dining experience. Only time will tell if this move is successful, or if a loophole can finally be found in the seemingly airtight agreement.