Local Four-Eyes Regrets Vote for Anti-Four-Eyes Party

“I never thought they would take away my glasses!”

President Donald Trump shocked the nation in 2020 when he joined the controversial and then-newly formed 20/20 Party, whose platform primarily includes measures against the four-eyed scourge. In fact, experts widely believe this departure from the GOP is what cost him reelection that year.

However, the tide has turned over the last four years. Anti-four-eyes sentiment is stronger than ever nationwide, and in November 2024, waves of voters turned out in support of Trump and the 20/20 Party—including four-eyes sympathetic to the party’s other goals. This marks the first election of a U.S. President representing neither the Democratic nor Republican Parties since Millard Fillmore in 1850.

Unfortunately, not all 20/20 voters are happy with the presidency they’ve won. We interviewed one such man, an Iowa City speckie who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of being targeted in an anti-four-eyes hate crime. 

(However, “four-eyes” is not a legally protected category. While The Doily Allergen takes no stance on the issue of four-eyes rights, for the sake of transparency, it should be noted that we have refused to hire all four-eyed applicants.)

“I thought all of Trump’s rhetoric about ‘making the four-eyes pay’ and ‘banning glasses’ and ‘rounding up the speckies to put them in freak camps and deport them to Speckielandia, which isn’t even a real country because these creatures don’t belong anywhere at all’ was just big talk,” the four-eyes in question told us. “I thought he was just trolling everyone like he does.”

“I never thought he would actually try to go through with any of it!” he continued. “I just wanted to have affordable groceries and put every last nonwhite person behind bars.”

In harrowing detail, he described to us how he has been stopped by newly established ICE counterpart, Glasses and Eyewear Enforcement, three times since the President took office.

“The first couple times, it was just a routine stop,” our interviewee told us. “I knew GEE was a thing, so I wasn’t surprised. I told them I was a good, law-abiding glasses-wearer and I’d voted for the 20/20 Party myself, so I thought we were buddies. Then a few days later, the same officers pulled me over. They told me four-eyes weren’t allowed on the road anymore, so they took off my glasses and smashed them, and then they didn’t even let me drive home half-blind. Instead, they took me to this facility, where they…” (The Doily Allergen has elected to exclude the detailed description of the beating he received.)

After being detained for two weeks, the four-eyes was released for good behavior. “I licked so many boots,” he told us with pride.

However, all his government records now contain an unremovable mark stating that he is a four-eyes who has been detained at least once for violations of GEE policies.

“I don’t know, man,” he told us. “I guess I was just expecting something different out of this all. My groceries are even more expensive than they were before, barely any Mexicans have been rounded up compared to what I hoped for, and this new administration just doesn’t seem to care for its hardworking voters like me.”

“I voted to have immigrants and poor people’s glasses taken away,” he went on to say. “I never thought they would take away my glasses or throw me into a camp. If I had known this was how the anti-glasses crowd was going to treat me on election day just because I’m a four-eyes, I probably would have just stayed home."