Local Four-Eyes Chains Self to Old Capitol

But, like, why?

Tensions between four-eyes and normal people have risen to a new high in Iowa City as a local four-eyes has chained himself to a pillar of the Old Capitol. The speckie in question, Smilzer Hatchetbreath, claims to be protesting Iowa’s recent legislative decision to require four-eyes to carry an ID card indicating their legal residence and social security number.

But, like, what’s the issue? As journalists, we take no side in political debates. From this neutral standpoint, we can say confidently that Hatchetbreath and his ilk are just bizarro extremists looking for special treatment.

We attempted to interview Hatchetbreath, but he just driveled nonsense at us for an hour instead of answering our questions. For example, when we said, “Ew, why would you chain yourself up like that? Is it a kink?” he said, “No! I’m forcing the city police to waste their resources when they come to remove me, so as to draw attention to a serious state and national issue! Glasses-wearers are dying all around us all the time, and now our civil rights are being systematically stripped away!” What idiocy, right?

Honestly, we’re not sure what to even say about this wacko. The four-eyes are just reaping what they sowed by being born wrong; there’s nothing wrong with that. Hatchetbreath is probably just crazy, or maybe it is a kink. Gross.