Local Four-Eyes Breaks Glasses to Build Reputation

The greatest interethnic conflict in American history continues to rise to new heights, as more and more four-eyes seek new ways to cope with their genetic inferiorities and be accepted into broader American society. We interviewed one such individual who asked to remain anonymous. Find below a transcript of the interview.

The Doily Allergen: You say you’ve been a four-eyes for most of your life, but we don’t see any glasses on you now. Why is that?

Former Four-Eyes: Well, I guess you could say that I snapped. Life is tough for people like me, you know. We didn’t choose to have vision problems. I—

TDA: Speak into the microphone, please.

FFE: Right. Uh, where is that? I’m sorry, I’m having trouble—

TDA: That better?

FFE: Uh, it doesn’t have to be that close to me. I can see just fine at this distance. Why were you so far away before anyway? You should’ve known I’d have trouble.

(NB: Contact lenses were made illegal in the State of Iowa in 2022, under the reasoning that they “let those godforsaken hooligans hide their unholy infirmities.”)

TDA: Please proceed with your story.

FFE: Right. Well, as I was saying, we didn’t choose to be like this, you know? I tried to do the “four-eyed pride” thing for a while, but I just couldn’t get behind it fully. It’s not like it made my life any better, I just had to hear a bunch more people like me use that word. Felt fucked up. It’s not that hard to say “glasses wearer,” is it?

(NB: We at The Doily Allergen are aware that some political contingents and four-eyes advocacy groups consider “four-eyes” to be a slur; however, in keeping with our nonpartisan journalistic traditions, we disagree.)

FFE (cont’d): Anyway, I just couldn’t take it after a while. “Specky” this, “four-eyes” that, the President calling us “specky four-eyes” on private phone calls. It gets to be a lot. So I guess I felt like I had to take action. Last month I finally took off my glasses, slammed ‘em against a rock, and never looked back. Sure, I nearly broke some bones a dozen or so times in the past few weeks, but I’ve gotten way less hate from people just passing by. In fact, I’ve even made some good full-sighted friends as of late! There are a lot of folks who are willing to overlook my disability if I’m not wearing those fucking spectacles all the time. A lot aren’t willing, of course, and that’s their right too.

TDA: What would you say to other four-eyes who insist on continuing to wear their contemptible lenses?

FFE: I’d tell ‘em… I’d tell them that they’re living in the past. You want your rights? Get rid of the glasses. We’re never going to convince the public if we stick to our ways. Besides, your quality of life will go way up. Just… be careful crossing the road if you’ve got it bad like me.

TDA: Thank you for your time.

FFE: It’s my pleasure.

TDA: Catch you on the flipside, spec.

What a fascinating “person” we talked to! It’s always a wonder to glimpse into the minds of other beings, even creatures as inferior as these specky four-eyes. The sad truth is that this is the way the world is: Lower beasts change themselves to seek validation from higher angels, and though some stoop so low, the many rise higher yet; and thus we seek salvation for those below and beneath as much as we greater and more mighty, for all truth and good demands we let the terror’d reach above, even as these poor wretches may never ascend to our planes on high. Let it be known that we are merciful.