Kim Reynolds Pulled Over With Open COVID Vaccine Container

Yesterday at 11:30 p.m., Governor Kim Reynolds was pulled over by Des Moines police for reckless driving and speeding. Upon investigating Reynolds’ vehicle, officers discovered a bulk-sized, open container of the COVID vaccine, as well as used syringes and a shot glass labelled “Vaccine Shmaccine.” This incident occurred just days after Reynolds signed a bill requiring 100% in-person instruction at Iowan public schools with few mitigation strategies in place and no plans to administer vaccines to students or teachers.

Although the vaccine is relatively new, laws have been enacted to determine whether or not an individual is driving while under the influence of the COVID vaccine. Suspects are asked to perform a “transmission test” in which they are expected to cough or sneeze in the responding officer’s face. If the officer tests positive for coronavirus, the suspect is declared innocent. If the officer does not test positive, he or she may use a revolutionary breathalyzer that analyzes the blood antibody content (BAC) of the suspect.

After failing her transmission test, Governor Reynolds blew a 0.24, which is three times the legal limit in the state of Iowa. A BAC of this level indicates that Reynolds may have had so many antibodies in her system at the time that she could be deemed immune to all illnesses, not just the coronavirus.

While being escorted into a police cruiser, Governor Reynolds allegedly repeated “It’s my God-given right to take the vaccine!” while also lamenting the lack of vaccines distributed to Iowa by the federal government. Officers attempted to explain the severity of her crime, as first-time offenders of driving under the influence of vaccinations may be charged with prison time of up to one year. Governor Reynolds responded by spitting in the face of an officer and screeching, “If I can get out of two DUIs and still become governor, you can bet your liberal ass I can get out of this!”

The gubernatorial staff has yet to release a statement on the behalf of Governor Reynolds, who is currently facing charges of driving under the influence of vaccinations, reckless driving, and assault of a police officer. The last message released by Reynolds was posted to her Twitter just minutes before her arrest. Her tweet reads as follows: “I have no plans to administer the vaccine on a statewide level. After I’ve taken my share, there is simply not enough to go around for the state, and I refuse to prioritize any constituent over another. Until there are enough vaccines for everyone, nobody will be vaccinated.”