Joe Biden Cancels Students

Word reached the Doily Allergen early August 24th that something massive was coming straight from the mouth of the big man himself. We knew it would be huge, but answers eluded us at every turn. Vice President Harris refused to answer our emails, no matter how many “IMPORTANT!”’s we put in the subject line. There was only one option left, and that was for us to take a red eye on Spirit Airlines straight to the nation’s capital.

The scene at the White House was a chaotic one to say the least. Reporters and their photographers scrambled around the front lawn to get the perfect shot. Protesters and counter-protestors hawked their stances through overblown megaphones. Doily fought through the throngs to get to the front before eventually giving up and settling for a spot closer to the street. The crowd was hot, shouting and shoving and clamoring to hear whatever the announcement could possibly be.

Speculations ran wild amongst watchers-on. Were we going to war? Was there another insurrection and this was how we were going to find out? It was at this point that the tension became too much and Doily White House Correspondents needed an out. Luckily, there were a number of food trucks just across the street, shilling perfect amounts of both shade and sustenance. The group agreed to take a break. Biden wasn’t even going to be out for at least another hour.

Doily correspondents were happy to report back that Presidential Tacos on Pennsylvania St. provided the single best street dining experience of their lives. In their notes, they implied that any other taco vendors should be shot, because none could ever compete with the slow-cooked barbacoa that melted in your mouth every bite. These spicy-sweet delicacies were worth every dollar charged straight to the company card. Our Doily correspondent truly cannot recommend it enough.

And the best part of this little slice of heaven? You can hear the president’s microphone from the sidewalk while you order elotes to top off the meal. From there, Doily correspondents overheard the polite applause of pundits complimenting the roaring chants of protestors, and barely audible over it all were the president’s words: students were canceled. Apparently they’ve done some bad stuff lately. Probably some old tweets. It’s not important. What is important is that we continue to bring our readers unbiased, accurate news.