JD Vance Headlines Studio 13 Drag Show

Vance Lip-Syncs... for... his... LIFE!

Vice presidential candidate, JD Vance, everyone’s favorite eyeliner queen, seems to be growing into his long-lost persona as rumors of his past surface.

New photos suggest that Vance allegedly used to be a drag queen by the name of Ashley Loveseat. Initially, Ms. Loveseat denied all allegations that she had any part in the art of drag. Unfortunately for her, the evidence suggests otherwise.

So, in a strange attempt to gain some leverage in tonight’s vice presidential debate, it seems Ms. Loveseat has decided to embrace her truth by announcing that she will be headlining Studio 13’s drag show this Saturday in order to boost her and her running mate, Donald Trump’s, approval rating among queer voters.

“Ashley brings something to the medium that we haven’t seen before: insecure masculinity,” said Bob Paul, the manager of Studio 13. “Most drag queens are shamelessly themselves, most comfortable when in drag. However, Ashley isn’t like most drag queens. At all times, she seems extremely uncomfortable, almost like a cisgender, bigoted straight man making fun of queer people for a cheap laugh. It’s so… raw. I knew I had to invite her the moment I found out about her drag persona.”

The theme for Saturday night’s show is reportedly “MBGA,” which we’re being told stands for “Make Bottoming Great Again.” Each local queen is expected to give their best impersonation of controversial conservative figures such as Marjorie Taylor Green, Matt Walsh, and Ted Cruz.

George Santos (also known as Kitara Ravache), you know, that Congressman who fabricated his entire life story—including his similar past as a drag queen—is also expected to perform this weekend.

Ms. Loveseat’s setlist has allegedly been leaked, as well. The leak claims that the two songs she will be lip-syncing on Saturday include “Facts” by Tom MacDonald and Ben Shapiro, and “What If I Was Gay,” an unreleased and well-buried Joyner Lucas song featuring Eminem that details a hypothetical romance between the two heterosexual rappers.

Many are criticizing Ms. Loveseat’s announcement as a foolish move just days after the debate, but others claim that it’s ingenious. Will Ashley Loveseat, also known as JD Vance, werk hard enough to sway queer voters to the right, or will she sashay away, jobless in November?