Is This A Real Fire Alarm or Can I Just Go Back to Watching Hentai?

Every month, the university makes sure to drill the various buildings of the school to respond to natural disasters like tornadoes or fire. And let’s be honest, Hawkeyes: sometimes it’s just too much of a hassle.

For those of us living at the top of all these residence halls, the prospect of walking down all these stairs is sometimes just too much to bear. Some of us would honestly just rather feed ourselves to the flames or become one with the tornado. 

Several anonymous students have begun raising complaints, citing this very struggle. “We know the purpose of a drill is to catch us off guard, but sometimes it’s more trouble than it’s worth,” said one anonymous student.

Reasoning for this varies: online courses or testing, disrupting dining hall hours, and, of course, walking down a bunch of damn stairs. But this aforementioned group’s protest comes with a strange message, which is, to, uh, be free to jerk it.

“We all have needs,” The anonymous student continued, “and it’s never fun to be caught quite literally with your pants down. If it’s a drill, the school should level with us. It’s only right for them to leave us our privacy.”

University messaging continues to emphasize the importance of readiness at any time. Here at Doily, we’ll just say that the option to “herk off” or “crank the hawk” is literally in your own hands. Just be aware it has the slight potential to come at the cost of your own life, but probably just your dignity.