Iowa “Stun-Gun Law” Aims To Prevent Sexual Assaults For Three Weirdos Who Will Bring A Stun-Gun To E

Iowa lawmakers have passed a resolution allowing students to carry stun-guns on college campuses, in hopes of preventing sexual assaults on the three weirdos who won’t think twice about purchasing a pulse-weapon and carrying it around everywhere they go.

“Our top priority for young men and women on Iowa college campuses is safety,” said congresswomen Rachel Myer. “This law guarantees that Gus Nichols, Michael Lyons, and Adam Hudson will not be sexually assaulted for the remainder of their undergrad—given of course that the little creeps bring the weapons with them to every single bar and house party they attended. Even a determined sexual predator will fail to get past second base, provided that the three goons who actually went out and bought freakin’ stun-guns know how to identify sensitive areas on the target and deliver a full-voltage shock for 4-5 seconds.”

The bill’s supporters added that so long as the three young men continued to “worry those around them by making strange, unnecessary weapon purchases at army surplus stores,” and are able to “draw the gun before the perpetrator overpowers them” they should have no trouble in at least delaying unwanted sexual assault at any social event or Tinder date they happen to bring a stun-gun to.