Iowa River Freezes Over, Trapping The Creature Beneath

Climate Reports Indicate This Annual Tradition Could Soon Become a Rare Occurrence

Ah, winter. The time of pretty snow, disgusting slush, and winds so cold they wither your fingers down to the bone in seconds. And who can forget the Iowa River finally freezing over? It’s always a lovely sight, not only for the view, but also for the necessary constraint it places upon The Creature.

Iowa City’s history with The Creature dates back to 1900, when it first emerged from the depths of the riverbed, cursing the town forever with its odiousness. Luckily, the townsfolk soon discovered that the wintertime would act as an annual reprieve from The Creature’s menace, as the river’s freezing tended to trap it thoroughly beneath the water’s surface.

The city’s last notably aberrant incident with The Creature was in 2008, when massive flooding resulted in The Creature’s ascendance from its usual elevation. With its higher view, The Creature spread its terror farther than ever before, six long months before the denizens of Iowa City were once more spared by the ice.

Unfortunately, rapid anthropogenic climate change may spell doom for this beloved yearly event. Winters are becoming shorter and more chaotic, and the University of Iowa’s climate scientists have predicted that the Iowa River may cease freezing over entirely within twenty years, allowing The Creature to wreak havoc on the people of this city year-round.

Perhaps instead of waiting out its time in the sun, humanity will have to come up with new and innovative ways to deal with the presence of The Creature, such as appeasing it with sacrifices of fraternity and sorority pledges, or forcing it to fight a mecha battle against Herky. The way we deal with this calamity in the future remains to be seen. However, for this year at least, The Creature is firmly enclosed in ice.