Iowa Ave. Pedestrian Tunnel Construction Actually Evil Bridge Troll Takeover

Astute residents of the Iowa City area may have noticed the repairs on the pedestrian tunnel underneath Iowa Avenue have been taking longer than expected. In a shocking press conference given this Wednesday, city officials revealed the repairs never began and the closure is actually meant to divert students from a gang of vicious bridge trolls.

Contractor Ray McCusker says he was tasked with clearing out the infestation earlier this year. “This was supposed to be a simple weekend job, but then this f***in guy Muddlefoot starts with the riddles, and Scragglefizz ends up going through my bag seeking treasure – by the time Fizzlebush was reaching for his spear, I knew I had to bail.” 

The city later hired a group of graduate computer science students to solve the riddles of the trolls, but they came up short when the final question involved female anatomy.

Pedestrians are recommended to cross the road at the painted crosswalk near the EPB until the brave knight we Venmo’d 2 sacks of gold arrives from York and slays the godforsaken gremlins.