Interim President Declares All Candidates Have “Mysteriously Disappeared”

With the announcement of President Bruce Herald’s retirement, many brown-nosers in the University of Iowa community are left wondering who will take his place. And while a committee has already started its search for Iowa’s next big daddy, there have recently been some untimely “disappearances” of nearly every candidate the search committee has expressed interest in. One woman “fell” off a plateau in New Mexico, one guy was injected with poison instead of a Covid vaccine, another woman was just straight-up murdered, and another guy fell asleep and woke up in North Korea. So because the search for a new president might take a little while, we’re all left wondering who will fill the position in between President Herrald leaving and his replacement taking office. Well, that person is University of Iowa Associate Provost and Dean of the Graduate College John Keller.

After that inevitable applause break we all just had to take, we here at The Doily Allergen decided to sit down with this Keller feller and get to know him better. We agreed to meet in a conference room in the IMU, and right away we could tell that something was off. We showed up pretty early to the meeting, but when we got there, Keller was already in there! We don’t know how long he had been sitting there, but that wasn’t even the weirdest part. The weird part was he was sitting in this gigantic executive chair with a cocobolo desk. We have no clue how he got either of those in there, they looked way too big for the door. And then he just slowly swiveled his chair around, smiled like the motherfucking Grinch, and said “Ah, The Doily Allergen, I’ve been expecting you”. We never even told him the name of our publication, he just knew that shit off hand. It was creepy, man.

So we started to ask him questions about his plans for his interim position, but he really just wanted to talk about his 40-year plan for the University, which we thought was odd since he was only going to be president for like 4 months. And also this guy was like 80, but we think he might be an immortal demon or something.

Also, he didn’t blink… like the whole time. Just wanted to throw that out there because that freaked us out.

When asked if he knew anything about the untimely disappearance of his potential replacements, Keller’s eyes turned glassy, and he whispered “Well, maybe they had it coming.” So yeah, this guy definitely murdered a whole heck ton of people. So if you ever find yourself on the shortlist for President of the University of Iowa: we suggest getting the hell out of dodge before Keller catches wind of you. God speed.