In Historic Victory, Asshole Defeats Different Asshole

On Tuesday night, Iowa’s 4th Congressional District made their voices clear when they voted out a nine-term asshole, replacing him with a new, different asshole.

“Today, we send a message to assholes everywhere,” said Lyle Henderson. “Stop being such an asshole, and fall in line with these other assholes. The people of Iowa were sick and tired of this asshole ruining things for all us assholes who just want be free to act like assholes again. We believe assholes shouldn’t hold public office as long as there’s some other asshole on the ballot willing to do what it takes to be an asshole in a way that is more aligned with our values as complete assholes. Assholes throughout the Western part of our great state turned out in record numbers this week for one reason and one reason only: that asshole had to go.”

When asked what he expects from his new asshole, Henderson began behaving like a total asshole.