If I Get One More Email from Engage, I’m Going to Engage in Some Violence

The school year is now in full swing, whether we want it or not, and with that comes the desperation of every single organization on campus fiending for new members to sacrifice to whatever demon they worship. 

Their tactics are numerous: handing out flyers with comic book fonts and exclamation marks, posting all over their social media pages about how “excited” they are to get back to their groups, or even introducing themselves in class by telling everyone “contact me if you’re interested!” But the worst recruitment method by far, of all time, has to be sending out emails to every single person in the university through Engage.

Engage is a website that, for reasons that even Barb Wilson doesn’t know, houses information on every single student organization on campus. It includes the key details such as:

-Who the fuck they are

-What the fuck they do

-When the fuck they meet

-Where the fuck they meet

-Why the fuck you should care

Honestly, whoever writes these pages could be a journalist themselves.

Unfortunately, Engage also has a super secret function that every single organization has somehow managed to discover! With one simple form, you can send an email to everyone with an email ending in @uiowa.edu.

You’ve all seen them before in your inbox. [StudentOrg] Join My Dumbass Club! With the bold brackets at the front immediately letting you know that this email is a waste of everyone’s time, including the person who sent it. And yet, they continue to pile in.

Well I’ve had enough.

I’m making a formal declaration against Engage: either stop spamming my inbox with all this random shit, or I am going to find whoever is personally responsible for this feature of the site and make them pay. If, along the way, I happen to stumble into some of the other dingbats who send out constant newsletters, like Angie of  the What’s Up or the Pomerantz Career Center, then all the better. 

I’m going on a rampage. A warpath, even! Nothing and no one will stand in my way until once and for all I can silence the–

Oh wait. 

There’s a link to unsubscribe. At the bottom of every email.

Well, who would ever know that? They send out so many of the damn things that no one ever bothers to read the disclaimer at the bottom until you’re actively trying to search out the creator of this horrible mess and destroy them.

I guess constant annoyance is one way to get people to read the fine print, but I’m still not satiated. I may be unsubscribed now, but someday soon I will have my revenge for the years of torture you put me through before this! I won’t forget it that easily, Engage!

Here’s the link for anyone else who is on the brink of committing several crimes if you don’t get off the student orgs email list right this second: https://apps.its.uiowa.edu/chgalias/massmail-filter