‘I’m just a girl,’ Says Student After Brutally Murdering A Man

Local college student Paige Blödmann pleads not guilty in trial court today after arrest last night. Blödmann, a second-year Communications major and head of her sorority’s “I Guess We Have to Associate With Frats” committee, was charged with first-degree murder this morning. 

Blödmann was spotted in her super sexy going-out outfit, holding a rusty axe, and covered in blood (which totally complimented the smokey-eye look she had going on by the way).

Local bar-goers reported her saying “Oh my god, I totally just killed that guy,” and “He’s like so dead,” and “Yeah this is his blood, why?” and “Halloween? Isn’t that next week?”

We here at the Doily Allergen heard about this hot case and rushed over to the courthouse right away. When it was our turn to talk to Blödmann, she had already been forced to talk to nerd try-hards who didn’t stop along the way for a crisp PSL like we did, so when she saw a clearly superior news group she opened right up to us. 

“Might I just say you are slaying that night-spent-in-jail look?”

“No stop, you guys are like rocking those notepads. You look so official”

“No, oh my god, you stop. Okay, okay. So, what’s the tea on you going absolutely homicidally ape shit last night, bestie?”

“Well, you see, babes, I’m just a girl.” 

Given that she was having such a difficult day and the fact that they deserved it, it was totally valid of her to down two of our unpaid interns’ PSLs without a word. It was for a good cause, Derek, stop complaining!

“That is so real.” We told her. “He probably deserved it.”

“Yeah, I mean how dare he cheat on me with Emma-fucking-Arnold, we were literally already dating in my head!”

We here at the DA would like to give Paige our full support. It clearly was not her fault: She’s just a girl!