I Got My Town Hall To Level 13 In Clash of Clans But I Guess Women Aren’t Interested In Nice Guys

I’ve been playing a lot of this game called Clash of Clans, ever heard of it? And not to brag, but I’m getting pretty freaking amazing at it. I consistently 3-star pretty high-ranking villages, and I’ve completed the goblin campaign map. And then over the weekend, it happened. Every Clash player’s greatest goal, to upgrade their town hall to level 13, and I had done it. It took me weeks to save up the 12 million gold needed for the upgrade, and after waiting 18 days for construction to finish, I finally got my Town Hall to level 13. I jumped for joy in my gaming chair. Finally! All those hours I’ve put into the game! They were all starting to pay off. I felt on top of the world and like I could accomplish anything.

So I decided to hit the town. I was going to go outside with my newfound confidence and tackle my next greatest challenge: getting laid. It might surprise you to know that I haven’t always had the greatest success with females, they’re usually just off-put by my intelligence and my dashing good looks. But I was sure that after upgrading my Town Hall to level 13 in Clash of Clans, I would be irresistible.

So I put on my best-looking shirt, a Hawaiian number worn by Tom Selleck himself that I bought off Facebook Marketplace, and I began strolling through downtown Iowa City. Every time I passed by a group of females, I could feel their eyes locked on me. I knew they found me irresistible, but that they were just too intimidated to make the first move. I walked into The Airliner, a bar I had heard quite good things about, and headed over to the bar, where I saw a girl with tig ol’ bitties sitting alone. This was it. I decided to make my first move. I sat at the stool next to her and ordered my go-to drink, a virgin bloody mary, Then I looked over to her and caught her eye. She smiled and looked away, a clear sign of female submissiveness: I was in.

“Can I buy you a drink?” I said, oozing swagger and confidence.

“What?” She said, turning around to face me. She must not have heard me the first time. “CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?” I asked louder. She looked taken aback — clearly she had never met a man with the type of confidence that a level 13 Town Hall in Clash of Clans would give you.

“Sure, I guess,” she said. She was so gosh darn beautiful, I could’ve taken her right then and there. But I remembered from my studies that females like a little foreplay first. It’s all about the dance, these little games they like to play. Ok, I can play along. I ordered her a martini, and we struck up a conversation.

“I just upgraded my Town Hall to level 13 in Clash of Clans,” I said with a smile.

“What’s that?” she asked.

“You’ve never heard of Clash of Clans?” I responded. My hope was fading. How could I convince this female of my brilliance if she didn’t even comprehend the field in which my greatness lies?

“Well… Clash of Clans is a freemium mobile strategy video game developed and published by Finnish game developer Supercell,” I explained to her. “The game was released for iOS platforms on August 2, 2012, and on Google Play on October—”

“No yeah I get it,” she said, clearly intimidated by my large wealth of knowledge. “I think my little brother played that like 6 years ago,” she giggled. Was she making fun of me? How fucking dare she! I was about to tell this bitch off when suddenly some random Chad walked up behind her and put his arms around her.

“This guy bothering you, babe?” he asked, staring right at me.

“Nah he’s fine. We were just talking about Clash of Clans,” she said.

“Yooo Clash of Clans!” he said. “I remember that game. I got my Town Hall to level 9 back in the day, I think. What a throwback! Anyway, you wanna get out of here babe?”

“Sure,” she replied. And just like that, they were gone. I couldn’t believe it. I just got cuckolded by a Chad whose Town Hall was so much worse than mine! I could definitely 3-star a village like that! But it didn’t matter. And I was so nice to her too! That fucking skank ass hoe! She wasn’t even that hot to begin with. And to think I was going to let her sleep with me!

I downed the rest of my drink to erase my sorrows and went back home to the only world that made sense. It just goes to show that no matter what you achieve in life, there will always be some Chad out there ready to steal every potential partner you want. Women don’t want nice guys with level 13 Town Halls, they only want Chads with level 9’s. And if that isn’t the most damning indictment of society, I don’t know what is.