I Didn’t Watch the Debate. Here’s What You Need to Know.

Last week, the first presidential debate between Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump rocked the nation. Everyone has opinions on all the things that were said that night. Everyone, that is, except me.

As one of the few people who didn’t watch the debate, I’m in the special position of being the best possible authority for what you need to know as we barrel toward the election. As a non-viewer, I’m 100% unbiased. I have no idea what was said, who said what, or was who what said if. In fact, I had never even heard of either candidate before my overlords at The Doily Allergen told me to write about them.

(And before you ask, yes, I do live under a rock—literally. A boulder, specifically. It’s quite comfortable if you don’t mind busting your spine and scraping up the entirety of your skin every day.)

The first thing to know is that politicians, as far as I know, always communicate clearly and effectively and never say anything they can’t prove. I mean, they must, right? Why would they get elected otherwise? So I assume the same holds true here. Both candidates probably said exclusively factual things while kindly advocating for the nuances of their political ideologies. Oh, I bet that Trump guy’s the best at that; he used to be president, apparently!

That said, in the photo I found for this article, the man has got his eyes closed and it’s the woman who’s talking, so that’s probably representative of the whole debate, right? She must have done most of the talking. (The stock photo guy I added to the picture is a representation of me mulling this whole thing over. I look just like that every time I think about something!!!)

Something else you should know about the debate is that both candidates were probably very respectful of each other’s time, never speaking over one another. I’d also wager a handy guess that they both responded point by point, as an educator would, to every argument made by their opponent. That seems like something politics-people would do.

Finally, you ought to be aware that, as far as I can remember from elementary school social studies class, this great country of ours is a perfect democracy with zero problems. Every candidate just wants to do their part to make it even better! What a wonderful system, don’t you think? The best person for the job always comes out on top, and they’re always in it for the sake of the people and nothing else. I’d bet presidents don’t even get paid! They’re just always top-tier examples of human beings, and that’s why the debates are so cozy and heartwarming to watch, from what I imagine.

Now, to go back to that rock!