How This Student Learned The Trick to Stealing Food From The Dining Hall: Doily Allergen Special Rep

Since the dawn of man, people have been asking the same questions: “Is there a God?” “What is the meaning of life?” “How can I steal as much food from the University of Iowa dining hall as humanly possible?” Well today, my friends, one brave man has finally cracked the code to this age-old enigma.

Meet Austin Simmons, a freshman studying actuarial science, who believes he has finally found a way to pilfer scrumptious eats from the dining halls. We caught up with Simmons at his dorm room in Catlett Hall to find the secret to skimming food from the University.

“Alright hear me out,” Simmons said, leaning back in his gaming chair, “What if there was a way… that we could sneak food out of the dining halls, without the employees even noticing. Sounds impossible right? Well, what if I told you… it wasn’t,” Simmons said with a sly grin.

When we first heard that, we thought this guy was full of shit. There’s no way you can sneak food out of the dining halls. The security was too tight. You’d have to be crazy to try something like that! Turns out, this guy was just crazy enough to make it happen.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the Market2Go box,” he said as he whipped a sheet laying over his desk to reveal a strange green parcel. “This is a relatively unknown program, put on by the University themselves, that basically allows — no — begs you, to take food from the dining hall. And I for one say we take them up on their offer,” Simmons said.

We couldn’t believe this. Had the solution really been that simple the whole time? Was there really a secret University-run program that basically gave students free rein to take all the Cordon Bleus and moldy bagels as they pleased? We had to get to the bottom of it. So we here at the Doily Allergen decided to go undercover as a freshman living in the residence halls to find out.

We fitted our undercover operative with a secret spy camera to capture the events as they unfolded, and what we found shocked us. When our agent got to the dining hall, they pulled out their Iowa One card from the lanyard around their neck, swiped it, and then said the magical words that we learned from Simmons himself: “May I please have a Market2Go container?”

And they just handed one to us! That was it. We were in, baby! We basically had access to an unlimited cornucopia, with a box that we could put whatever we wanted inside. We started going ham, stacking everything from briskets to grilled chicken, to pizza, to cookies, to yogurt, to so many fucking eggs we couldn’t believe it. We pushed this new Market2Go container to its absolute limit. We thought the box would burst open. But we made it out alive, and our haul was absolutely glorious. It was the tastiest lick of them all, and the best part was: no one had any idea.