Hire A Hawk Officially Changes Name To “Regretfully Inform A Hawk The Position Is No Longer Availabl

Amid an unprecedented number of job and internship cancellations, the Hire A Hawk team officially changed the name of their online service to “Regretfully Inform A Hawk The Position Is No Longer Available.”

“To reflect our company’s growth in the sectors of rejection and pursuing other candidates, we’ve decided to re-brand the Hire A Hawk network for this new and exciting era of dishing out disappointment en mass,” said Thomas Rider, a Hire A Hawk spokesperson. “For the past 2 months, our organization has been connecting hungry, qualified UI students with employers who are looking to withdraw their applications from the hiring process and send them apologetic emails ending in the phrase ‘Please Do Not reply.’ We’ve been thrilled with the number of UI seniors expressing how demoralized they’ve become with the shrinking opportunities on our website, and with the number of employers who have freezed hiring outright. Given all this, it seemed like the right time to take a closer look at the Hire A Hawk image and give it a fresh sheen of discouragement and dejection.”

Rider also noted changes coming to the Hire A Hawk interface; clicking the “Jobs” navigation button will send users to Subway’s careers page, the search bar text will now read “Search Elsewhere” and a new profile section called “Fears” will be added below the “Skills” area where candidates can list out their anxieties in detail so employers can be sure to make them all come true.