Herky’s Horrible Halloween: Beloved Mascot Found Dead After Frat Party

Police Suspect Miss Scarlett in the Conservatory with the Dagger

This morning, the deceased body of Herky the Hawk was discovered in the backyard of an anonymous fraternity house. The student who discovered the body called 911 immediately. A forensic investigation, as well as numerous interviews, are currently underway. Here’s the timeline of events as we know it so far:

10:33 PM: Herky shows up at the fraternity’s annual Halloween party unannounced, dressed up in his acclaimed “Herky’s Anatomy” outfit.

11:15 PM: Herky is profoundly drunk.

12:01 AM: Herky is roped into a fistfight with several other party attendees.

12:26 AM: After making up, the fight participants agree to go out back and light a bonfire. The Iowa City Police Department has designated the bonfire attendees with the following pseudonyms:

• Miss Scarlett—student majoring in business administration, female, age 19.

• Colonel Mustard—ROTC recruiter, male, age 28.

• Mrs. White—jaded university custodian, female, age 57.

• Mr. Green—business student whose inadequately within-the-lines coloring submissions have caused him to have to postpone graduation multiple times, male, age 25.

• Mrs. Peacock—mother of Mr. Green visiting from Des Moines, female, age 46.

• Professor Plum—graduate student and TA in something lame and textbook-y, age 24.

• Herky the Hawk—anthropomorphic and steroid-addled bird, male, age 76.

1:03 AM: Surprise rain douses the bonfire and causes a localized power outage, resulting in a totally blacked out frat house. Everyone scampers inside, spreading water and mud about the entire building.

1:04 AM: An avian screech is heard.

1:07 AM: All guests are prematurely expelled from the party.

6:48 AM: Power is restored to the frat house.

7:20 AM: 911 receives the call reporting the discovery of Herky’s body.

Police speculate that any one of Herky’s companions at the bonfire could be responsible for plotting his demise. One theory suggests that the assailant was motivated by Herky’s drunken behavior in the fistfight, and only pretended to forgive him.

Furthermore, due to the fact that Herky’s body was found outdoors despite his having run inside to escape the rain, as well as the general disarray caused by that event, the police have yet to determine in which room the mascot was killed. Several areas are considered likely, all of which ICPD has given designated names:

• The lounge (living room)

• The dining room (small area with a table off to the side from the kitchen)

• The kitchen (kitchen)

• The ballroom (media room)

• The conservatory (porch, which some poor, out-of-place frat boy has joyfully decorated with lovingly cared-for plants)

• The billiard room (small area with a foosball table off the side from the media room)

• The study (study room, long abandoned since most of the frat’s membership is business students)

Additionally, as Herky’s autopsy is not yet complete and its results have therefore not been released, his exact manner of death is heretofore unknown. Given the presence of blood on his costume, it is assumed that he suffered some sort of injury. The following objects are known to have been located in various places around the house at the time of death, and are thus being treated as the potential weapon:

• A candlestick (death by bludgeoning)

• A dagger (death by stabbing)

• A lead pipe (bludgeoning again)

• A revolver (death by gunshot)

• A rope (death by strangulation, in which case the blood may have been spilled during an additional altercation at the time of the killing, and may even be his attacker’s)

• A wrench (yet again—you guessed it—bludgeoning!)

Though the circumstantial evidence is limited for now, police are already developing a theory. Given the quantity of blood on Herky’s body and its pattern of flow—albeit long after it had dried up—it seems probable that he was stabbed multiple times in the heart.

The likely location of the crime is the conservatory, as it would have been easy to drag the body around the house to the backyard, unseen in the empty darkness and evidence-destroying rain.

Additionally, the ICPD claims that Miss Scarlett is the current most likely culprit, owing to “an illicit affair that allegedly went on between the young student and the birdly university mascot throughout most of last year.” However, this was apparently also somehow true of both Mrs. Peacock and Professor Plum, so the investigation will certainly have to be thorough.

Local authorities have also stated that due to Herky’s inhuman species, no suspect in this case may be charged with homicide. It is unclear whether the court will treat this tragedy as manslaughter or animal abuse, but when that day comes, we hope that whoever is responsible is put behind bars. Or possibly congratulated for ridding the world of an ancient evil. Who knows? Perhaps the culprit killed two fowl birds with one stainless steel stone.