Herky Hunted for Sport

Early this morning, Herky the Hawk’s feathered corpse was found on the steps of the Old Capitol building. He had died from numerous arrow wounds and rifle shots. Mr. The Hawk was 75, and a beloved mascot for the university.

Police arrived at the scene at 8:30 in the morning, but had to leave for a few minutes to compose themselves after seeing the gruesome tragedy. However, when they returned, they were shocked to find the body had been stolen. This mysterious disappearance combined with the observed cause of death has led the police to conclude that Herky was likely hunted for sport overnight.

With Thanksgiving on the horizon, it is unsurprising that many would be thinking about shooting birds at this time of year, but clearly, things got out of hand. Once this rumor of Herky’s hunting began circulating the public, several students came forth claiming they had heard frenzied screeching and squawking outside their dorm rooms last night. 

But who would go so far as to hunt Herky? Police have yet to release any official suspects, but sources say some of the potential contenders include President Barb Wilson, a Local Four-Eyes, and the Daily Iowan editorial staff. Oh, no, sorry, that’s actually the Doily Allergen editorial staff. Hey, wait a minute!

You think WE would kill Herky? We don’t even LIKE Herky! We’ve never written an article about him before, EVER. You can check our website, it’s true. Why would you think we would enjoy the thrill of the chase, running down T. Anne Cleary with our crossbows loaded and the sound of wingbeats in the dark, waiting for that perfect time between heartbeats to strike? Yeah, that doesn’t sound like us.

The Doily Allergen is determined to get to the bottom of this, if nothing else, to clear our good name. But tomorrow is a holiday, after all, so investigations will go on hold while we share a super good turkey substitute recipe we’ve been wanting to try. Until then, we remain vigilant.