Heartbroken Obama Gives Speech To Empty IMU Auditorium

Last week rumors spread across campus that the 44th President of the United States Barack Obama would be visiting the IMU to give a speech. Many were skeptical of the validity of these rumors, and so many students chose not to attend the event. Surprisingly, President Obama actually did make an appearance at the IMU last week but was disappointed at the low student turnout. A spokesman for the former President said this in a statement:

“We are disappointed by the lack of student turnout at last week’s event at the University of Iowa. The president couldn’t stop talking about how excited he was to be visiting campus, and how grateful he was to be seeing all his pals in Iowa City again. And when he showed up to that empty auditorium, his little heart just sank."

USG staff members at the event also reported that President Obama seemed a bit forlorn throughout the duration of the event.

“He looked like a sad puppy,” said USG member Laura Higgins. “Every time someone would walk into the auditorium he would get all excited and perk up a bit. Then the person would always look around and say ‘oh, sorry wrong room’ and that would crush him even more. About an hour in, one of the USG senators bought him an ice cream cone, and that seemed to cheer him up”.

A few days later, President Obama took to his Twitter account and began to tweet to his over 130 million followers about his time at the University.

“Fuck those guys, man,” Obama tweeted out. “It was gonna be such a fun time. I was gonna juggle, do some wicked stand-up, and maybe some karaoke. But I guess everyone was too busy to care about old Barry. Fuck you, Iowa City. Obama out!”

“See, now look what you’ve all gone and done,” Dean of Students Angie Reams said in a statement. “Barack Obama took time out of his busy… whatever it is he does now to visit our University, and you all couldn’t even be bothered to show up. You better be on your best behavior for when Joe Biden visits next week, or I swear to God we’ll take away the River Room Café! Don’t test me”.