Guy Sitting Next To You In English a Little Too Excited To Start Reading “Lolita”

Though the unit remained weeks away, Bert Pawlowski grinned in anticipation as he realized the class would analyze the unsettling novel “Lolita,” which follows the first-hand account of a French pedophile and his child lover.

“I’m so excited. Can you believe Vladmir Nobakov got away with writing about taboo topics like lusting after 12 year-old girls? It makes me wonder what else someone might get away with—”

Pawlowski then shifted his desk entirely too close to yours whispering comments that hinted at an intense passion for something beyond literature.

“I know we haven’t finished reading “As I Lay Dying” yet, but what do you think of that scene where Humbert first dares to grope at Lolita’s pubescent body? Isn’t it awesome? I hope we devote a lot of time discussing the way Nobakov subverts social norms and basic human morals. I think it’s so rad that he did that. He truly sets the reader down inside the mind of a pedophile, and honestly, it doesn’t feel that weird to me.”

Other students confirmed reports that Pawlowski stood in front of the class, pacing around and drooling on the floor in a monologue that roused further suspicion that he might be not actually be talking about Nabokov’s writing style.

“It’s the way in which he describes his manhood becoming fully erect watching small children playing in a public park that makes the story work. I’ve read that passage so many times, looked over every poetic beat just trying to figure out how he gets those little nymphs to—I mean—I don’t know. I’m just super stoked to read this one. I can’t wait until the scene where Lolita and Humbert first have intercourse. Such a haunting scene. So disturbing—so—mmmmm.”

At press time, Pawlowski had excused himself to the restroom, while the stunned professor decided the class would read “The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers” instead.