Guest: “Just Graduated. Now It’s Time To Follow My Dreams And Avoid Eye Contact With The Homeless"

I Just Sprayed Champagne All Over The Pentacrest. Now It’s Time To Follow My Dreams And Avoid Eye Contact With The Homeless.

I couldn’t be more proud of what myself and my cohort here at UI have accomplished. The past four years we’ve written dozens of papers, overcome challenges in our personal and academic lives, and really mastered the craft of glancing away from homeless people on the sidewalk. UI seniors, we’re about to embark on an exciting journey. Who knows where the road will lead us? Only one thing is certain: life in Iowa City has prepared us to take on anything, and taught us that successfully avoiding eye contact with the homeless is possible, no matter how many we may encounter on the way. To celebrate all this, I took part in one of UI’s most enduring traditions: spilling perfectly good champagne all over the Pentacrest. It was simply cathartic to go buy a bottle of champagne, shake it up, and watch every last drop of it spray out in a big, beautiful fountain onto the cement. For me, the “pop” of that champagne bottle symbolized the beginning of a new chapter in my life, and for the homeless person who looked on from across the street, probably symbolized desperately needed liquid sustenance. But it’s anyone’s guess really. I was making sure not to look his way the entire time. I can’t explain it, it just felt right. That empty bottle, that sticky puddle of booze that I’m sure someone has cleaned up by now. It was like things were finally lining up for me. On the walk back to my apartment, I could feel a tremendous weight being lifted off my shoulders, and the cold stares of several street-bound Vietnam veterans. Though I never met their gaze, I could tell they were looking at me with longing. That’s how good I’ve gotten at this shit. Hawkeyes, no matter what your dream is, keep your eyes set on the prize. So set, that they fail to see the homeless.