Gov. Kim Reynold’s Magic Eight Ball Says “Outlook Not So Good” for Shelter-in-Place Order

In an attempt to “remain open and transparent with the public” and “get everyone off my back for two freaking seconds,” Gov. Kim Reynolds revealed that a Magic Eight Ball has been the primary guidance in her decision not to issue a shelter-in-place order.

“I want all Iowans to know that I do not take Iowa’s response to COVID-19 lightly, which is exactly why I refuse to issue a shelter-in-place order without the go-ahead from my trusty Magic Eight Ball. It’s never steered me wrong. It’s how I made my decision for exempting Medicaid from covering transgender medical procedures and also my haircut,” Reynolds said. “So far, my Magic Eight Ball has only said ‘Outlook not so good,’ ‘Very doubtful,’ and ‘Don’t count on it.’ Experts keep telling me how a shelter-in-place order will flatten the curve, but the only curve I’m prepared to listen to is this precise, spherical fortune-teller. I’m not going to risk lives for a ‘Don’t count on it.’”

Reynolds said the Magic Eight Ball was consulted regarding a number of COVID-19 response measures, including the decision to close all restaurants and bars.

“We really butted heads on that one. Health and safety are my top priority, but I can’t ignore the economical impact or even the impact on public morale. I wasn’t sure I was willing to sacrifice Darty Season for a couple of lives. But as always, my Magic Eight Ball was right. She’s my Fauci,” Reynolds said. “Now I’d like to take a moment to dispel the ridiculous rumor going around that I am using a 12-step scale based on scientific data and sources to decide when to issue a shelter-in-place order. This is no time for jokes or slander. I mean, what would that scale even look like? No, this decision is not based on scientific data. It is based on my God-like Magic Eight Ball and I won’t rest until I see a ‘It is decidedly so.’”

Reynolds opened up the floor to questions for her Magic Eight Ball, but the press conference was rescheduled when the only response it gave was ‘Ask again later.’