God Changes 10 Commandments To 10 Strong Encouragements

In a shocking turn of events this week, the world watched in awe as God (alias Big Daddy G, Heavenly Father, Sky Daddy, etc.) came down from on high to deliver a message unto the world. God, Jesus, and/or the Holy Ghost descended upon the Pentascrest for a one-on-one in-depth interview with The Doily Allergen to make the announcement:

D: Well thank you for sitting down with me, God. It’s not every day that we get a visit from the most powerful being in the Universe. So I understand that you’re here to make a big announcement?

G: Yes I am. The reason why I’ve come to speak to my mortal creations today is that Heaven has decided to revamp the 10 Commandments and make them more of a fit with these uncertain times we’re all living in.

D: Revamp them how?

G: Well the Board of Angels has decided that “commandment” is too strong of a word. We really want to give my children more free will, and remind them that they are adults living in a community, and that even without being “commanded” they should still behave in the best interests of the community. So henceforth, the Ten Commandments will be known as the Ten Strong Encouragements.

D: I’m confused… so does this mean we humans no longer have to adhere to the rules you bestowed upon Moses?

G: Well… look… I mean… you really should follow the commandments. Everyone up in heaven would really appreciate it. I made those commandments for a reason. It’s just that the Board of Angels have made it clear that we need to give people the choice whether or not to follow them.

D: I want to read out some of the new… encouragements that the Board of Angels released this morning. “Thou shalt be strongly encouraged to not kill,” “Honoring thy father and mother is encouraged, but not required,” and “pweaze don’t say the lord’s name in vain uwu.” I mean, you have to know that people aren’t going to follow these, right?

G: We might face some resistance, yes. But the Board of Angels and I trust humanity to make the right decisions. We trust people not to murder each other. But in order to combat any would-be-murderers, heaven has decided to implement a new anti-murder incentive program. Basically, everyone on Earth who doesn’t murder anyone, will be entered into a monthly drawing for a really cool prize.

D: Ok… What kind of prize?

G: That’s still to be determined, but we’re thinking of it being something like a $10 Iowa City Downtown District gift card.

D: Do you honestly think a $10 gift card is going to stop people from murdering each other? Do you genuinely believe that?

G: I- well… Well, what do you want me to say!? My hands are tied here. I-I’m just doing what the Board of Angels tells me to do. They’re scary, man… All I can say at this point in time is that we are strongly encouraging people not to murder each other. Please don’t murder each other.

D: But if people still want to murder each other…

G: We strongly encourage them not to… Pretty please with a cherry on top.