Future Burge Resident Looking Forward To Productive Year Of Learning

With the school year drawing to a close, University of Iowa prepares to welcome its newest class of students, the lucky bastards that don’t have to deal with online college. Among these new arrivals is prospective UI freshman Cooper Werstein, who is looking forward to a quiet and productive year of learning in his new home in Burge Hall.

“I’m really excited about this,” Werstein said. “For one thing, I’ve heard Burge is the cleanest dorm there is. I hear everyone calls it “Dirty Burge” as a little ironic joke, but it’s nothing like the other dorms. In places like Catlett or Petersen, I hear there’s always this lingering possibility of walking into the bathroom and finding a pile of vomit on the hand dryer. Not Burge. No way.”

Burge RAs have confirmed that this statement is technically correct, as Burge residents have a 100% certainty of walking into the bathroom and finding a pile of vomit in the hand dryer.

Werstein added that he appreciated the proximity of Burge to campus, especially the Pappajohn Business Building, where most of his classes will be held.

“I’m a huge finance geek, so I knew right away I was majoring in business,” he said. “I’m psyched to meet some more people in the business major I can have some good study sessions with. I’m imagining a lot of late nights where the flash card competitions get pretty intense.”

When pressed on how he came to hold these conclusions, Werstein claimed that his older brother Ryan had told him. We reached out to Ryan for comment, and he replied with three crying laughing emojis.

Werstein also said that while he ultimately settled on Burge as his new home, he did consider other residence halls.

“I looked at Mayflower for a bit, but everyone there seemed so buttoned down and quiet,” he said. “I do want a nice quiet year to learn, but I don’t want to live in a place where nobody talks to one another. That’s not the college experience.”

Mayflower RAs have confirmed that Werstein’s account of Mayflower is also technically correct, as every resident was still asleep well into the afternoon after a bitchin’ DMT party the previous night.