Front Row Yapper Holds Lecture Hall 25 Hours Over Class Time

Last week, one brave – or possibly stupid – freshman had the horrifying audacity to hold a Foundations of the English Major lecture hall, full of students, over class time for a full 25 hours with his incessant and unnecessary questions.

The culprit of this yap session was Jack Jabberson, who proudly told the Doily Allergen that “talking is in my blood.” Apparently, his grandmother, Catherine Jabberson, was the inspiration for the original “Chatty Cathy” doll of the 1960s. 

But what questions could Jabberson have had that required so much time and attention? Well, as many trapped eyewitnesses reported, most of his questions began with “it’s more of a comment, really,” before devolving into a topic that held absolutely no connection to the subject of the lecture at hand. Jabberson rambled on about his personal life, his political opinions, and even at one point began reciting Five Nights at Freddy’s lore, all topics he assured his unwilling audience many times “it will be relevant, I promise.” They never were.

Jabberson takes pride in his actions, telling Doily staff that holding a literally captive audience for a full day had been his plan since the start of the semester. “I deliberately sat in the front row on the very first day of classes,” he explained. “And then I got the professor used to seeing my hand up in the air, as high as it could go, as often as possible, so he wouldn’t be able to ignore it.”

While this intense ordeal was orchestrated by Jabberson, it still required some effort from the professor, who once per hour was given a scant minute to interject with attempts to wrap up the monologuing or at least direct it back to the subject of the class. Unfortunately, he never succeeded, as when the minute was up Jabberson’s hand would shoot back up and he would resume his side of the “conversation,” at times even drowning out the professor mid-sentence.

It is unclear whether the University can take any punitive action towards Jabberson, because technically he was merely engaging with the content of the course at a more in-depth level. However, the Doily Allergen would like to remind all yappers that if there is something you truly want to talk the professor’s ear off about, go to their office hours instead of wasting everyone else’s time in the lecture. The professor will likely be much more receptive to this, and everyone in your classes won’t find you the most annoying person on the planet.

Wishing the victims of any front row yappers a few minutes of some peace and quiet today.