Free Food on T. Anne Cleary When Provided Any Credit Card Number

A guide on how to swindle your way to some free grub!

I’ve signed up for DashPash at least 15 times by now just for the free sandwiches. Because I’m such a nice guy, I’ll let you in on my secret method to never pay for lunch again.

First, sign up for a credit card under a false name. Really any name works. I told Discover that I was born ‘Hooey Magoo’ and they bought it. No wonder why Americans are in so much debt. Fuck.

Anyways, step two is to dress the part. The sandwich guys will recognize you after the sixth time or so. Mislead them and disguise yourself as your false identity. I think Hooey Magoo would have a moustache and glasses with thick plastic rims, so I went to a 365 day Halloween Express and put together an outfit.

At this point you should be ready to go up to the guys on the T. Anne Cleary. Take some deep breaths and poise yourself with confidence. Lose yourself in the character. For the next 3-5 minutes, I am no longer Alex Doughty, staff writer at the Doily Allergen. I am Hooey Magoo, Bosnian shoe salesman from St. Louis (As part of my research I found out St. Louis has America’s largest population of Bosnian immigrants outside of Chicago).

The rest of the process should then come naturally. Scan their QR code, sign up for their free trial, and make off with your 6-inch Jimmy John’s italian sub.

This method should be mostly fool-proof. The only downside I’ve noticed so far is a tanking credit score from constantly starting/cancelling cards. My own mother won’t lend me money anymore. I also find it hard to leave character sometimes. I turned in a midterm with “Hingle McCringleberry” as the name. Failed that class because of it.