Former Doily Allergen Writers: Where Are They Now?

Each year, we say goodbye to some treasured journalists as they graduate or are plucked up by eagles (we will never forget you, Tanya). Many of our readers have mailed in, asking about where some of our most famed alumni have gone to. Sure, you know about the countless writers who went on to work for SNL; or for some washed-up, white man’s late night talk show, but there are a few gems who took their life in a different direction. We dug in and started researching, and here’s what we uncovered.

Armand C.

After spending some long-awaited time back in Mordor, Armand went on an unannounced trip to Sandals, Jamaica. He tragically passed away there in a whitewater rafting accident on May 8th, 2020. He is survived by his sixty thousand orc children.

Cassie B.

RIP, you marvelous criminal.

Cassie spent several months performing a string of heists with a group of handsome magicians she met. On May 8th, 2020, she tragically passed away in a whitewater rafting accident in Sandals, Jamaica.

Kit F.

Kit left clear notes in her will to only use this photo post-mortem.

After graduating, Kit plunged into the icy depths of the Atlantic Ocean, emerging several years later as a crazed and powerful sea witch. Her reign of darkness was regrettably cut short when she tragically passed away in Sandals, Jamaica due to a whitewater rafting accident on May 8th 2020.

Randy Q.

I miss the lil’ squeaker :/

During their time at UIowa, Randy was known for creating a new magnum opus each time they wrote an article. Post-departure, they circled the globe, seeking vengeance on the man who killed their father. After realizing shedding more blood would change nothing, they went to Sandals, Jamaica, and subsequently, tragically passed in a whitewater rafting accident on May 8th, 2020.

Ana I.

Wait, this isn’t the right picture. What the he-

Ana was always an enigma to us. None of us could remember when she had first arrived, but we agreed she was not always there. Some of the higher-ups, back then, had insisted we’d met her on our first day, but we knew that was a lie. We just didn’t know why they would lie about this. Not surprisingly, she vanished one day. After that, the records are spotty. Whispers of appearances in the Romanian countryside, and sometimes a shadow briefly passing by the moon. There’s only one thing we can say for certain, though: on May 8th, 2020, she was in Sandals, Jamaica, and tragically passed away in a whitewater rafting accident.

Joe W.

It’s all his fault, I know it is.

Joe became a certified whitewater rafter and spent some time exploring the rivers of the American continents. On May 8th, 2020, he disappeared leading a group of rafters through the rapid rivers of Sandals, Jamaica, but his body was never found. His last journal entry, dated May 5th, read only: “Soon, very soon, it will be time. I will finish what Munthwik started. The moon.”